How to Maintain a Healthy, Loving, and Respectful Relationship

I am a very happily married man. And in order to get here, I had to be happily divorced first. Trust me, while exiting my first marriage was absolutely the right thing to do, it was still a very painful (and also very expensive) process. The emotional scars lasted for years, and they even affected my current marriage for a while. Luckily, I’ve learned a lot about how to really live in the present and share my whole and honest self with my wife, who is my true soulmate, and that has made all the difference.

There are so many things that make for a healthy relationship, and I’m going to talk about 3 of them in this article for you today. If you commit to these three behaviors, I can virtually guarantee that your relationship will improve. Are you ready to notice a difference in your love life? If so, keep on reading!

3 Things to Keep Your Relationship Healthy

1. 1. Give your partner what they tell you they need so you can be their resource for happiness and fulfillment. This sounds simple enough, so let’s break it down a little. When your partner tells you something that is important to them, do you notice it? Maybe you do, and maybe there are times when you have nothing to offer back but a blank stare because you really aren’t sure what they’re asking of you. Well, the good news is that at some point, you almost definitely fulfilled their deeply rooted values and needs because it’s part of how they fell in love with you in the first place. Love isn’t random. We all have our own personalized way of recognizing that we are in love and that we are truly loved by another person. The trouble is that it may have been “luck” or “happenstance” that got the ball rolling. How to keep it rolling is up to you. So when your partner says something simple like “I’m thirsty,” what does that mean to you? Do you hear that as an interesting comment, or do you perceive it as an obvious request that you go to the kitchen and get them a glass of water? Well, that has to do with your information filter. This is because there are two types of speaking styles. And to complicate things, there are also two types of listening styles. They are called literal and inferential. So, “I’m thirsty” coming from a literal speaker could simply mean those two words: “I’m thirsty.” It’s a statement of fact, and that’s about it. On the other hand, if an inferential speaker says those same words, they may really mean something like “Hey Sweetheart, I really don’t want to get up right now, so would you please go get me something to drink? I know you love me so you’re probably happy to do it, and I’ll show you that I love you in some other way later.” Now that’s a lot different, and this is where tension can easily come up in a relationship. And to make things even more complicated, the two types of listeners will hear those two words in different ways as well. The literal listener will likely hear “I’m thirsty” and think to themself “Well that’s new and not particularly interesting information,” and that’s all she wrote! Whereas the inferential listener will often think something more like “Hmm, I wonder what he/she is thirsty for and if I can do something about it.” So when you combine a literal speaker with an inferential listener, or an inferential speaker with a literal listener, confusion often abounds. The good news is that it’s very easy to get around this relationship hangup (that extends far beyond beverages of course). The simplest way to move past this hurdle in any relationship is to seek clarity. If you are the listener, just check in with your partner. Ask them “Would you like me to do something about that?” Or here’s another one: “How can I help you with that?” And as a catch all that may sound a bit abrasive, but will certainly get everyone on the same page: “What specifically do you mean/need?” When you check in on how you can be there for your partner, miscommunications suddenly disappear and are replaced with loving, open communication that allows everyone to really feel heard by eliminating confusion.
2. 2. Tell the truth in a loving way by asking for what you want the way you want it. This builds on Tip 1. When you ask for what you want, make sure you speak to your partner from a place of honesty and a deep level of caring. The more specific you can be, the easier it will be for your partner to meet your needs easily and on the regular. Have you ever felt frustrated because you asked your partner to do something or say something and it doesn’t happen? Well, there’s a good chance that one of two things has happened. The first likely option comes from Tip 1. If you are speaking in a way that your partner just doesn’t naturally understand, they may be totally missing the point of your communication. So choose to communicate differently. Let them know in a new way what it is that you want or need, and do it in a gentle way too. In a loving relationship, your partner probably wants to take care of you and make you feel good, and maybe they just don’t realize what you’re asking of them. And on top of that, if they actually knew what you wanted, they would be more than happy to do it for you! The second likely option is based on the Law of Reciprocity, which comes from the world of expert negotiation. Essentially, the Law of Reciprocity means that people feel compelled to give when they receive. Conversely, it also means that if a person feels their needs are not being met that they are less inclined to give or show support. So in order to get what you want, focus first on giving your partner what they want. If you demonstrate care for your partner, this subconscious need to reciprocate will kick in and they will very likely feel compelled to demonstrate care back to you. So ask your partner what you can do for them, and chances are they will start being, doing, or saying the things you want back from them.
3. 3. Always act as if you deeply care about your partner, even when it’s hard. Make it obvious that they matter to you more than anyone else. Here’s an example of how to move from a fight back to a place of love: Instead of getting upset with your partner and digging your heels in, get upset about the fight itself, not with the other person in the fight. That’s right, shift gears and redirect your frustration at the fight instead of the topic of the fight and you will almost definitely be in agreement. If you and your partner love each other, that probably means that neither one of you wants to be fighting, and it probably even hurts emotionally to fight with each other. After all, isn’t this the person who is supposed to love you? It can feel really scary when that person may be yelling at you, and they probably feel the same way if you yell at them. So hit the pause button and get to common ground by making the relationship and the feelings of love you share the most important thing. A statement like “I hate fighting with you because I love you so much, and this just sucks, don’t you agree?” Get above and outside of the fight so you can be on the same team again, and then work together to find a solution that works for both of you. This is how masterful negotiators bring opposing sides to a deal. When you get focused on the larger issues that both sides easily agree on, then it’s just a matter of slowly working down through the details until both parties get enough of what they need that they can move forward together in support of each other. And supporting each other is what a strong and loving relationship is all about.

So are you ready to put this into practice? Here’s a simple exercise you can do with your partner OR on your own right away.

Exercise

1. 1. Write down one thing you want that you now believe you should specially ask for in your relationship after reading this article.
2. 2. Write down two things you already know you should be, do, have, or say for your partner to know you really care. This should be something that you aren’t providing enough of now, or could easily provide more of to make your partner feel really truly loved.

If you want to know more about how to build a solid and loving relationship, or for powerful relationship coaching or couples therapy, you can contact me through my website www.CoachWithEli.com.

Eli Schaugh is a relationship coach and therapist with a focus on clearing away the negative emotions and triggers that exist in all of us in order to make room for a better present and future. By freeing up and releasing the negative emotions, beliefs, and energy that we learn from our past relationships and experiences, it allows you to be fully present and whole in your current relationship (and effectively in all areas of your life).

Eli holds the following designations and credentials:

• Certified Master Practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP)
• Certified Master Practitioner of TIME Techniques™
• Certified Master Practitioner of Hypnotherapy
• Certified Master Success Coach
• Certified Practitioner of Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT)
• Master Certified Negotiation Expert®​

Board Certified Through:

• International Board of Coaches and Practitioners​